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of time for my girls when I’m gone.

Less than a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer cells and endometrial polyps. The worry that the doctors had was that the polyps could be cancerous because of the cancer cells. When the words “it could be cancer” came out of the doctors mouth I swear my heart sank, I felt like the world stopped and my ears began to ring. I didn’t call anyone right away instead I sat in my car thinking how I would deliver the news to my husband who had already lost 3 loved ones to cancer, to my mother, who only had one child, me!. And to my kids who would be devastated because they know exactly what cancer is. I began to bawl as I thought of the possibilities of the biopsy coming back positive for cancer. The two weeks I waited for the results were hell. I wept so many time, mostly every time I talked or saw anything to do with cancer. My husband was so good to me and for the first time in a really long time I felt his fear of losing me. One day during my anxious wait for the results my daughters were playing and they ran to me and kissed me for now reason. I held them tight and began to weep, I’ve never been so scared in my life. I was afraid that the girls would loose me and I would never be able to have the relationship I now have with my mother.I was afraid of how they would handle me being sick. I think i was more afraid for those around me than for myself.

One afternoon I sat on my couch watching a walk to remember. In the movie she has a book left by her mother with quotes. At that moment I decided I could make a book of my favorite quotes, my best advice, my favorite things to do and eat. I was preparing myself for the worst. I hoped deep inside that all would be well but this was just an in case type of thing. I thought it was a little crazy that I kept a book like this for my girls to read when I was gone but today I read an article  A Dying Parent’s List and it all made sense. I’m not the only one thinking ahead of time.