Boys you cant have it all

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betrayed, bottom, Boys you cant have it all, chick, closed doors, couple fights, fame, high school sweetheart, Hip pop radio, men, my response, Nikki, relationship, Safarree, sexual, sociual media, split up, this morning, video vixen

So today as I’m on my way to work I was listening to an interview on  hip pop station. Their celebrity guest was the ex-boyfriend of Nikki Minaj, they were together for about 10 years. They started both started from the bottom and made their way to fame, her from her raps and him for being her hype man/man behind the scene/boyfriend/everything.  For reason I don’t really care but the rest of the world does they split up and have been at each others throat since, feuds on social media and all possible places. Now I’m the first to say that people shouldn’t get in between couple fights because no one is there when the two of them are alone behind closed doors, no one really knows what goes on in there. So as the interview went on one of the DJs tell Safaree that he should feel betrayed that right when she started to blow up she broke up with him. Now this is where I got a little uncomfortable. The person riding the car with me tells me how fucked up this chick is for leaving a man who has been by her side since day one. My response was “Men want a women that’s nasty (in the sexual sense), a women that doesn’t care to show off her body, a women who will make you aroused just by a few lines she spits at you, a women who is a women but thinks and acts like an absolute man. But why do men get mad when the same woman pulls a move a man would? Men do it all the time, I’ve seen it in sports they marry their high school sweetheart then get famous and dump them for a video vixen.”

Boys you cant have it all!! And don’t get mad when you get what you deserve.

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I do’s

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banquet, co-workers, couple, cry, dance, date, first time, happy, i do's, married, million bucks, mother, priest, pruple and silver, Sunday, surprised, teary, wedding

On Sunday I attended a wedding for the co-worker of the guy I’m dating. I made sure I looked good as all his co-workers were going to be there and some I was meeting for the very first time. I am extremely proud to say that I was able to look hot ass hell for under $90.00. I felt like a million bucks and my partner and i look like super stars next to each other.

The church was beautiful, it was spacious but the priest performed a horrible service. It was so cute to hear them say their I do’s. The banquet hall was very spacious and decorated nicely, her colors were silver and purple. I usually cry throughout the whole wedding but I surprised my date as well as myself when my eyes only got teary one time during a dance the groom had with his mother. We danced and had so much fun joking around with everyone. As the night progress and I saw how happy the newlyweds were I started to think of my own wedding and how happy I was that day. I went over the budget we had set and still had to cut a few things out but I was and still am satisfied with my wedding. I got everything I wanted and I felt so blessed. Sometimes I say I’ll never get married again but I kind of want to do it again. I want to dress up in a beautiful gown look my groom in the eye and say all the beautiful things possible and him to me in front of all the people that we truly care about.

Self love

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alone, blame, creating, crying, dating, days, energy, guy, heal, him, history, hours, learned, Looking back, love, months, myself, people, plotting revenge, read books, relationship, self, surrounded, The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks, truly happy, woman

So for the past few months I’ve been dating this guy, we have a lot of history together and all though that could sometimes be a little bad its been working for us lately. I thought that after being so heartbroken I could never bring my self to love again. It was hard at first because I was so guarded but I slowly let the true me emerge. Don’t get me wrong i still am a bit guarded and there are days I wake up and I feel a certain type of way.  Looking back I’m happy I didn’t jump from one relationship to another. I know sometimes we tend to do that so we could heal or forget but all that isn’t really healing its pushing aside the things that we don’t want to confront. I spent many days crying my little eyes out, many days analyzing and over analyzing the things that went wrong and what I could have done differently, plotting my revenge (which I totally got all gory with) but never really put them into action, many hours blaming myself then blaming him. I read books, lots and lots of them. I remember the very first book I picked up was The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks. I think every married or divorced woman should read. I focused on doing things that would make me smile, I focused on being a better mother. I spend many days alone and many surrounded by people who believed in me, people that I could feed off of their great energy.  So the point is that I focused on me, on creating a woman who would be happy with herself, because if I learned anything from all of this is that you can’t make someone truly happy if you don’t feel good about yourself, if you don’t truly love yourself.

 

 

Why wait

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8 years, day after day, fall in love, hard work, Lets stay together, like the first time, marriage, men, Paula, really trying, Robin Thicke, sang, seperation, shambles, stunts, try, wait, why, wife Paula, women

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/robin-thickes-mission-win-back-wife-paula-patton-134215165–abc-news-celebrities.html

So most of you have already heard that Robin Thicke and his wife Paula announced they were separating after eight years of marriage. they were high school sweethearts!! They looked so awesome together but only they know what happened behind closed doors. Marriage is not easy I believe it takes constant work from both sides, both  have to keep making the other fall in love day after day. Both should continue working like they did when they were dating. He is really trying to get her back and pulling all the stunts he could. Even going public!  He is trying so hard, he even sang “Lets stay together” for her at one of his concerts. But this raises the question, Why do both men and women wait till it all in shambles until they try, like really try. Why not do it when that person is next to you??

 

Changing love

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allowed, boy, changing love, chaning, date, daughter, exact, eyes, father of my kids, felt bad, friends, growing up, grown, hell, love, mom, mother, my mother, older, remember, ruin, school, spitting, standing, stoker, talk, words, years, younger

My teen daughter has this little crush on a boy and he has a crush on her too, they were friends and decided to finally tell each other that they like one another, she isn’t allowed to date yet but she’s allowed to like a boy and talk to him. I have eyes and ears at the school so I’ll find out if she starts to “date” anyone (I know that sounds a little stoker mom but it is what it is)  They have been texting each other non stop. Nothing out of this world, just little kid stuff. Well last night it went up a notch, she told me that he texted her that he loved her. I almost had a heart attack, I turned to her and said, “what the hell do you guys know about love?” At that very moment I felt like I had gone back in time. I remember telling my mom about the father of my kids about how I loved him and he loved me, I remembered my mother standing the same exact way and spitting out the same exact words. I knew I loved him but now that I’m older I grown to know that Ive loved the same person in many different ways and for many different reasons all which have changed over time. Its a constant love but a changing one. I felt bad about saying what I said and this being the first boy that she likes and he likes her back of course it will feel like love. She tell me how she has butterflies, and thinks about him often, she even told me she feels like she’s floating. I remember having all those emotions and I didn’t know what other explanation to give than I was in love but little did I know it was puppy love. That the reason why I thought I loved that person would soon change. I’m planning to talk to her tonight and explain to her a few things about love but I don’t want to ruin the feeling because its part of being a girl of growing up.

For what it really is

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change, depict, experiences, life, love, loving someone, me, older, point, quote, through the years, trail and error, what love means, wisdom, years, young

The older I get the more I see love for what it really is, I understand it better, I know exactly what it means to me. I know the way you feel about  love changes through experiences, through trial and error, through wisdom gained through the years. I’ve read many things about love but I found this one quote that totally depicted what love means to me at this point in my life.

Screw you TBT

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best, blame, build, car, dedicated, DJ, emotions, emptiness, glasses, hate, home, little family, miss him, music, musical therapy, oldest, our, patch, pics, premenstral, rough, sing, song, spike, starting, stronger, TBT, teens, us

Because it sounds better than to say I miss him, I’m going to blame this whole feeling down thing on me feeling sick and my premenstrual emotional spike. of course it didn’t make it any better than yesterday was Throwback Thursday and he sent me a few pics of us when we were teens, just starting to build our little family. I got in the car and decided to try to make up my mind that I hate him, just so that I wouldn’t feel this emptiness that I’ve been feeling lately. I kept repeating, He sucks, I hate him, I don’t miss him, he sucks. I said it one last time and decided to  try some musical therapy. I turn on my favorite station to the very last part of Stronger by Kelly Clarkson, ha I think to myself, just what i needed!! I sing along with the best Kelly Clarkson voice I have and then it ends. The Dj comes on and talk a little and says “now for some old school, its only right because its Throwback Thursday.” Then this comes on

He dedicated this song to me when our first daughter was 2, we were going through a rough patch. I remember exactly what he said to me that day, If I close my eyes I can remember the cologne he wore. My eyes immediately filled with tears, I quickly scrambled for my glasses and let it all out. It’s hard to let go of someone who you’ve had so many good and bad memories with. It’s hard to let go of someone who can’t let go of you. I officially hate being a girl and hate Throwback Thursday!!!

The Vault

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cherish, cracks, faith, heart, leap, like your own, no days off, opening, person, rarely, squash, think, vault

When you love someone who must take a leap of faith, give your heart to that person and have faith that they will not break your heart, but what happens when you love someone and that person does the imaginable and squashes your heart?? That’s the moment you decide to take your heart back and lock it up for the next time you feel safe enough to let it out and lets face it many who have gone through this think 25461063 times before they even open the vault you created to keep from getting hurt again. Trust in a relationship take a very long time to build and just a few minutes to break. Once its broken you’ll always be able to see the cracks, very few times will it be repaired to the point that the cracks wont be seen, but before you can ever get to that point you must work hard and endlessly. No days off, no interruptions. So next time you are in a relationship with someone think about how much time it took for them to open up and how they’ve given you their heart have faith in you not to do anything bad with it. Cherish that heart like it was your own.

Love is left

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blush, body every part, breathlessness, convince, decide, decision, earthquake, errupts, excitement, kiss, love, ourselves, roots, subsides, together, truths, what is left, work

Ordinary people

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be ok, bestfriend, blog, bond, cant understand, drastically, ex husband, gazillion time, get over it, item, kids, miss him, not duplicated, one day, ordinary people, people, places, remind, same thing, songs, talk, trust

I know I blog about this often and some people must be like “oh dear here she is again talking about it for the gazillion time, when will she get over it?” but I cant get over it. My ex husband and I were having a conversation yesterday and even though I cant trust him and things have changed drastically between us Its nice to talk like old times. Before him and I were an item we were best friends, that’s how it all started. We have a bond that most people cant really understand and could never be duplicated. Its hard to explain how a man that’s hurt me so much can still hold a place in my heart. Real feelings cant be extinguished just like that. I try to make myself forget and just be ok but its hard. I have my days which I’m OK but I’m constantly reminded of what we had through my kids, songs, words, places, movies, ETC. Sometimes I wish I had that little memory eraser MIB have, to forget everything him and i had but then i remember all the good times we had and it would be a shame not to remember those moments.I don’t know how long it will take for me to be OK again but I know i will and I’m taking this as a learning experience.